RADIO SHOW/AUDIO PODCAST
Solutions...with Courtney Anderson! (SwCA)
Episode 181 -
Originally aired 9/02/2014 9:00 AM -
HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT series -
"A Work Colleague Has Experienced A Tragic Death of A Loved One. What Should I Do?”
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TALK SHOW EPISODE NOTESThe HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series addresses challenges, obstacles and problems (real or perceived) that are preventing a person from surpassing their goals! In this series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared. This episode is, “A Work Colleague Has Experienced A Tragic Death of A Loved One. What Should I Do?”
Life. Death is a reality for all of us. A tragic death (accident, homicide, suicide, etc.) is not. What do you do if a tragic death becomes a reality for a work colleague? 1) Be there. 2) Listen. If you have experienced a tragic death in your life you have an advantage (in some respects) when your work colleague experiences one in their lives. The compassion, empathy and understanding that a tragic death survivor is able to provide to another person is an asset. The natural aversion to the colleague (from people who have not experienced a real life tragic death themselves) is understandable at some level. We all hear about tragic death. It is on the news. It is in our media in film, music, poetry, video games, etc., yet that is an abstract awareness devoid of the devastation of the actual child, spouse, friend, boss, parent, partner, that we know who is gone. The most ‘helpful’ things you should do, I repeat: 1) Be there. 2) Listen. I learned about these types of situations when my only sibling committed suicide. With a tragic death there are also the extra issues to deal with in many instances of media inquires and coverage. This forces public attention on the survivors. In many instances it is the only public information about their loved one and it defines their entire life into often graphic and painful details of their demise. The loved one with a name, a personality, a special smile, is reduced to a headline. I still remember the online complaints on the local news sites that the police investigation into my sibling’s death was blocking traffic and how people were angry and inconvenienced by the delays. Wow. People. I) DO NOT: a) Discuss your belief system (religious, spiritual, atheistic, scientific, etc.). It gives you comfort and that is fantastic. Yet, this situation is not about you. If you believe that it is “better” for the loved one or that they are “being punished” this is not the time for sharing. Even if you and your work colleague have previously shared about your similar beliefs (in other contexts), this is not the time. Do not add to the burden of the work colleague right now (addressing some conversation about beliefs, etc.). Do not. b) Discuss your own life and how “grateful” you are that your child, parent, friend, spouse, etc., is alive and not the victim of a tragic death. Do not share how “it could have been my child.” c) Discuss how “you understand how it feels” (and then talk about a non tragic death such as when your great grandfather died naturally at 105 years old or how your sister was ill last year but is still alive). The tragic death and non-tragic death are not the same. Your failure to acknowledge that is a burden to your work colleague. d) Discuss how you “can’t imagine” what they are going through. Duh. So, why say it. Do you think they wanted to imagine or experience this? e) Ask them “how they are?” You know how they are. Just say “hello” instead. f) Try to “change the subject” as there is no other subject. I know it is so painful to listen to them but you must. g) Do not judge them. They are in agony. They may say things that are shocking or painful for you to hear. Do not judge. Just listen. h) Do not burden the colleague. They are not equipped to handle it right now (no matter how they are acting or how they “seem” to be to you). I know that many people say that they don’t know what to say so that is why these types of inappropriate content spill out of their mouths. This show is intended to address exactly that issue. You don’t need to say anything. Shut-up. This is not about you. Your nervous talking is not helping. Do not pester the work colleague with questions even if well intentioned (“how can I help”, “what time is the service”, “do you want me to cover for you in the meeting next week”, etc.). Shut-up. The most ‘helpful’ things you should do, I repeat: 1) Be there. 2) Listen. Do monitor the person for basic survival issues (hydration, food, sleep). Bring them something to drink. Bring them something to eat. Sit with them and make sure they drink something. Don’t say anything about it, just give it to them. Then keep listening. I know that the desire to leave is incredibly strong. Everyone wants the tragedy to “go away.” No one more than the colleague whose loved one is dead. Yet, they are not able to “leave it” so if you volunteer to be there with them and listen, it is truly brave (and appreciated). Listen. NOTE: If the work colleague who is grieving shows signs that need professional help, get it for them immediately! They may have physical and/ or psychological situations that require professional help (dehydration, self harm, post traumatic stress disorder, etc.) Contact emergency services immediately! Better safe than sorry. II) DO: a) Educate yourself about some of the research on grief (which is heightened and enhanced with a tragic death): i) There are no rules. We often think of the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross regarding stages of grief and then want to tell people to “move on” or “get over it” or “accept it.” There are no rules so you have no right to try to impose expectations on your work colleague. Consider, “The five stages of grief are so deeply embedded in our culture that they've become virtually inescapable. Every time we experience loss — whether personal or national — we hear them recited: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. […] If you were to read Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's On Death and Dying — the book that in 1969 gave the five stages their debut — for the first time today, you might be surprised to discover that Kübler-Ross, then a staff psychiatrist at Billings Hospital in Chicago, was actually writing about the experience of facing one's own death, not the death of someone else. It was other practitioners, having found the stages so irresistibly prescriptive, who began applying them to grief, a repurposing that Kübler-Ross encouraged.” (http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,2042372,00.html) ii) Understand what grief actually is (not what it looks like in a movie or television show). “Scientists have found that grief, like fear, is a stress reaction, attended by deep physiological changes. Levels of stress hormones like cortisol increase. Sleep patterns are disrupted. The immune system is weakened. Mourners may experience loss of appetite, palpitations, even hallucinations. They sometimes imagine that the deceased has appeared to them, in the form of a bird, say, or a cat. It is not unusual for a mourner to talk out loud—to cry out—to a lost one, in an elevator, or while walking the dog.” […] Many mourners experience grief as a kind of isolation—one that is exacerbated by the fact that one’s peers, neighbors, and co-workers may not really want to know how you are. We’ve adopted a sort of “ask, don’t tell” policy. The question “How are you?” is an expression of concern, but mourners quickly figure out that it shouldn’t be mistaken for an actual inquiry. […] the painful fact of mourning remains: even a good death is seldom good for the survivors. (http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/02/01/good-grief?currentPage=all) A tragic death is not “a good death” and I don’t know if that even exists. There are certainly differences between a prepared for death (long illness, old age, etc.) and one that strikes out of blue and destroys everything that a survivor believed their life to be. What is a parent with a dead child? What is a sister with no sibling? What is a daughter with no parents? Hopefully you will never experience a tragic death of someone you love. If you are brave enough to expose yourself to the rawest emotions of another person who has experienced a tragic death, you may find that you learn more about what it means to be alive than you ever anticipated. The most ‘helpful’ things you should do, I repeat: 1) Be there. 2) Listen. iii) If you sit in silence, sit in silence. The person may want to talk about their loved one (just like you do for your alive loved ones). Listen. No matter how repetitious, how sad, how much it hurts you to listen. You will take some of their burden by sharing some of their pain. iv) There is no solution. So, that is why you are there and listen. There is nothing you can say or do to “fix” anything. Please remember that the isolation for your work colleague will be more pronounced the more time has elapsed since the tragedy. So, you volunteering to be there and listen will mean so much a month, a year, a decade later. Remember, the work colleague will have many people who intentionally avoid them because “it makes other people sad” to be reminded of the tragic accident, homicide or suicide that resulted in the death of their loved one. They are living reminder for many other people of a bad, sad, tragic thing that other would prefer to forget. Also, there are a small minority of people who are narcissists who will be jealous of “the attention” that they perceive your work colleagues receives. This type of person will say, “they need to stop taking about it already! It has been a long time! They just want us to feel sorry for them!” This is not accurate as a person in grief is not even aware of other people or their needs for attention. I had to mention this type of person as you may encounter them in the workplace disparaging your colleague. Pathetic. Just be there. Just listen. If it seems like it is to “too much” for you to handle when they cry, scream, whimper, relive the tragedy, relive the last moments of their old life before this happened; remember that you are only sharing a minuscule percentage of what they are feeling 100% of the time. I know it is scary to be there and listen. It is uncomfortable. It makes you worry that this tragic event could happen to you or someone you love. I know. That is why your bravery to be there and listen for this work colleague is so meaningful. You are facing your fear and placing the other person’s needs before your own (to get away from this pain and get away from them). In this show I discuss the information I acquired in my training as a victim services volunteer. Here is the program that I went through, “The Victim Assistance Volunteer Team is a group of highly trained volunteers, specializing in crisis intervention for survivors, witnesses and families who have been traumatized by the experience of death, serious injury, violent crime, or natural disaster.” (http://www.wilco.org/countydepartments/victimassistance). If you think that you would be able to be of service in a victim services role with your local law enforcement department, please seek out the information to contact them. I did a previous show on how important it is that you are of service to others and I again encourage you to do so. The prior show: RADIO SHOW/AUDIO PODCAST Solutions...with Courtney Anderson! (SwCA) Episode 026 - Originally aired 1/28/2014 9:00 AM - JOYFUL ART OF BUSINESS! series - “BE OF SERVICE. In work. In life.” You have the power to be extraordinary by being there and listening. Other people will avoid the pain that you volunteer to enter and share. You are a very special person. Thank you. HELP RESOURCES: Suicide prevention: http://www.befrienders.org/ http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/international.aspx Grief: http://www.griefcounselors.org/resources.html http://www.compassionatefriends.org/home.aspx http://helpwithgrief.org/index.html http://www.massgeneral.org/psychiatry/services/anxiety_grief.aspx |
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