In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared. This episode is, “ I Was Taught That I Have to Be Twice As Good As Them…and I Am Exhausted."
This is an episode that I feel very strongly about! The central question is who is in charge of your life? Is it you? Or, someone or something else? If you are in charge of your life then you define your goals, your value and your experiences. If you accede that power over your life to other people or entities then they will define your goals, your value and your experiences. How much money should you make per year? What type of neighborhood should you live in? Either you will decide or someone (or something) else will decide. When do you decide that you have done your best (versus when you have more to give)? What is ‘good enough’ and what constitutes success? When you choose to let other people or entities make these decisions they will have their own ideas of how much money you will earn (especially as it relates to how much money they earn), where you will live (by determining how much you will be able to spend on housing as part of your salary) and everything else in your life. If you elect to exercise your own personal power over your life, then you decide. Are you qualified for a job? You decide. How much money will you earn this year? You decide. What type of neighborhood will you live in? You decide. What if you are operating under the understanding that everything you do is weighed down by some aspects of who you are? That you are running the race of life with heavy weights around your ankles that slow you down? That the weights make you have to run twice as fast as other people (those without weights) just to have any opportunity at finishing (or competing to win) the race? Many of us have cultural, societal, family, or other group feedback that taught us from an early age that we are weighed down. That when we run in the race of life we have to overcompensate for who we are (e.g., gender, ethnicity, religion, socioeconomic group, national origin, disabilities, color, size, etc.) by laboring at least twice as hard as those who are free of the weights we bear. Are some of us given specific information that who we are is a liability and that we have to work at least twice as hard as people without our burdens? Yes. Here is an example of this language (being twice as good) from a fictional television show out of the US, Scandal: “Rowan: Did I not raise you for better? How many times have I told you? You have to be what? Olivia: Twice as good. Rowan: You have to be twice as good as them to get half of what they have.”(http://www.salon.com/2013/10/04/scandals_racially_charged_motto_you_have_to_be_twice_as_good_as_them/) Here is an example of this language (being twice as good) from a biography title about a real life US former Secretary of State, “Twice As Good: Condoleezza Rice and Her Path to Power.” (http://www.amazon.com/Twice-As-Good-Condoleezza-Power/dp/B001FOR6EI) I have to share that [...] In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared. This episode is, “I want to be someone else.”
The title of this episode makes me sad. One of the fascinating and wonderful aspects of being alive is that we have characteristics that are uniquely ours. Most of us have unique DNA and even identical twins are rarely completely the same (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/identical-twins-genes-are-not-identical/). All of us are unique in terms of the way we express ourselves (via our behavior). “Researchers have identified that every individual creates a unique pattern of physical behaviour including the speed at which they type, the way they move a mouse of the way they hold a phone. About 500 different behaviours are unique to every individual and, taken together, form what they call "eDNA", or electronically Defined Natural Attributes.” (http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2014/jul/18/how-your-electronic-dna-could-be-the-secure-login-of-the-future) Thus, since we are “one of a kind” why would we want to be anyone else? At the core of someone expressing that they want to be someone else is dissatisfaction with themselves combined with unrealistic fantasies of other people’s lives. In terms of dissatisfaction with ourselves, a few points. 1) “Perfection” does not exist. Entropy is one of the reasons why as, “Entropy describes how nature -- including business operations -- is the movement from order to chaos.” (from http://yourbusiness.azcentral.com/entropy-business-26522.html) You will experience moments of subjective perceptions of perfection (a “perfect date”, “perfect meal”, “perfect score”, etc.) yet the entire system we are in is moving toward disorder. Thus, you are no more and no less “perfect” than other other person. 2) How will... In our HELP! SITUATION SPOTLIGHT™ series, we shine the light on challenges that community members have shared. This episode is, “They Don’t Want Me Here.”
Rejection. Isolation. Shunned. Ostracized. Despised. Reviled. When we are somewhere that we are not wanted, it may hurt. We all crave acceptance, support and being embraced by others. In our families, in our social groups, with our romantic partners and friends we must be treated with affection, attention and acknowledgement. We design and choose (as adults) all of these relationships that we engage in on a daily basis. As we have discussed in many other programs, people who positively care about us, who are our friends all pass this test, “Our happiness is their happiness. Our hurt is their hurt. Our disappointment is their disappointment.” If a person is happy when we are hurt, they are not our friend and are not deserving of being in our close community of caring comprised of family and friends. Outside of our community of caring we interact with a very different population in terms of being wanted (i.e., at work and when dealing with the general public).The general public is not our community of caring. They (ideally) all each have their own community of caring as we do. The general public most often does not notice us. This is normal and expected with over seven billion people on our single planet! Of the small group of the general public that does notice us (we are coworkers, volunteers at the same organization, etc.), the majority of people are agnostic about us (i.e., they have no opinion about us at all). This is normal. They are not invested in our lives and although they may know our names they don’t think much about us at all (we simply are the person that sits at the front desk or brings the files to the meeting, etc.). There are very small general public populations that actively engage with noticing us and having a desire for us to leave (the office, the group, etc.). Remember, the opposite of love is ... This HELP! Situation™ series addresses challenges, obstacles and problems (real or perceived) that are preventing a person from surpassing their goals! What is holding you back from surpassing your goals?
In this episode we examine the issue, "I Keep Getting Fired From Jobs! What Should I Do?” Why are you fired? Be honest. No excuses and/ or rationalizations. I have been fired (several decades ago when I was working minimum wage jobs in food service and retail). |
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